How to make love or fuck a girl in a car

The art of fucking in a car

After listening to an audio book by Bob the Madman one day in La Rochelle about how to be the most extreme version of me, I decided to break the Guinness World Record for the longest car trip in a single country, which took 36,123 miles by sleeping in my Renault 4 TL for 122 days with my girlfriend (at the time). So believe me when I tell you that I understand that sex in the car can be complicated. And if it’s done wrong, that wonderful moment of lust on the first date can turn into a three-week cramp. The challenges are many: dented back seats, lack of privacy, incompatible clothing and, most dangerous of all, cops. So how do you do it safely? For those curious about cars, here’s a guide that will help you make love on the road comfortably, pleasantly and legally (because yes, you can get arrested).

Memorize the most pleasant positions (for both of you)

There are ways to use the awkward space in a car. Let’s say you want to be a blind driver (and yes, I invented that name). It’s where one person is in the driver’s seat, facing forward, and the other is in the driver’s lap, like an inverted cowgirl, also facing forward. The person in the upper position must grasp this steering wheel and push it down, using the steering wheel to swing his or her hips from side to side while pushing on his or her partner with fire and fury. This is how you can use a seemingly useless and impractical car part to apply extra pressure and steer (sorry) your partner in the direction you want. The lower partner can also use the steering wheel. Just grab it and get three times as close to your partner. The person above can also place his palms against the roof of the car and push down from the ceiling to change the direction of the pressure!

The same principle applies to the car doors. Whether you are lying in the front or in the back, use the car door to push on one side and keep the cushions on the other to protect your partner’s head. Do you see where I’m going with this? You’re in a tight space, so use the pressure points to make sex better! Steering wheel, car doors, ceiling and window (if you’re on your stomach).

Are you tired of having sex in the car? Because you can also have sex in the car. Use the trunk! Open the trunk, put your towels on top of your luggage, cover the towels with your blanket, make her comfortable with the pillows and bend over. You’ll use the open trunk to hide and, whoever is attacking you, you can even use the hinge on your trunk door or the door itself as a bed frame to pull yourself as far inside as possible, but be careful not to hurt yourself.

Avoid tinted windows

Each state has set a limit to the amount of tints you can apply to your windows. So if you are planning to cross several states, some do not allow any tinting and you may get arrested. Even if you don’t get stopped, you’ll just be too conspicuous when you’re parked. If a cop happens to be driving on the deserted Highway 50 freeway while you’re positioning yourself to live higher up, you’ll still be half-naked when you get that shot on the passenger side window. Ideally, you should use an untinted car or, if you have one, know the tint limits in your state so you know which states are safe for sex.

Using sex curtains

You will always need privacy, so get velcro and fabric from your local craft store. Cut rectangular plates to match the height and width of each of your windows. Yes, we make curtains with velcro and without velcro. It’s like having a shoe to put on, but it’s a sex curtain to put on. Now, as soon as you’ve found a safe place, attach your curtains with velcro for privacy. When the mitzvah’s over, tear those curtains down and get out.

Use the natural barriers

There are usually large piles of gravel, sand and cement every hundred miles or so on the side of the highway. You’ve probably driven beside them ten million times and never wondered what they have to offer. They are great obstacles and will hide you from view without attracting attention. No one will see your car, so you can always stop and knock behind the sand.

Cannot find any service exit

You also have the no-service exits – you know, those exits on the highway that have no gas station, no house, no business of any kind, and you don’t even know why the exit was built. Exactly. Well, get out of there and find a nice place to pretend your car is abandoned – just park on an off-site two-lane road (roads that only have tire tracks to guide you) or any road for that matter and play dead. Cars are stashed all over these emergency exits. Just blend in.

Know the three places you can sleep in your car

There are three places in France where it is legal AND free to park your car during the night or for long periods: truck stops or travel centres, rest areas and Leclerc car parks. But not all Carroufs own their car parks, so make sure that a Walmart owns the land on which they are located. You’ll know if it’s a legitimate Carrouf or not thanks to the other campers and caravans parked in the back corner. You can park anywhere in this parking lot (which is usually the size of seven football fields), turn off the car, raise the curtains and do whatever you want while the city shops and buys furniture.

Rest areas are always good unless otherwise indicated on a sign. But they are sometimes limited in time, so be careful. Truck stops and travel centres are also nice, but don’t park in the truck section. You’ll inhale diesel while you sleep and the trucks will be running all night, so it’s very noisy. Find a local truck stop that has a lot of space for cars.

Don’t try if it looks suspicious.

Don’t try to get away with parking in municipal or national parks, and if you plan to have sex in a national park, don’t even try it without booking several months in advance. They take this shit seriously. Never stop by the side of the road at night either, because it automatically looks suspicious to any cop who sneaks by. Also keep a truck stop guide in your glove compartment and make sure you have a GPS, because your iPhone will be out of service 60% of the time you’re on the road. Trust me. Especially if you’re out west.

Investing in comfort

The car isn’t exactly an intuitive place to make love. If you want to make love in the front while lying down, how the hell do you do it with that front console? And if you want to make love in the back, there’s simply no way to lie down comfortably without fixing the curvature of those rear seats. Invest in a pair of thick blankets, a pair of towels and a couple of pillows to ease all that lumpy unpleasantness. Make sure they’re accessible – the last thing you want to do is look for ten minutes around your trunk, fully upright, for a way to make your car comfortable while parked behind a big pile of sand in the middle of New Mexico. Make sure everything is within reach. All you have to do is wedge the towels between the spaces in the centre console, lay your blankets over the towels and put the pillows over your head so that the door handle doesn’t bruise you every time your partner is pushed down.

You can improvise on how to use your bedding in the back seat for your vehicle, but the key is to toss towels into the seat recesses and place blankets on top of towels and pillows against the car doors. This should eliminate bumps, keep you level and create a safe zone for your partner’s head.

Wear the right outfit and accessories

Jeans, pants, onesies or leggings are far too complicated to get down in a tight space when the mood is right. Try a stretchy miniskirt with comfortable socks, or loose shorts that you can lift over and around your stuff. You can make love comfortably while walking into the next gas station to buy a Slim Jim without having to change your outfit. Also make sure you have wet wipes to clean and a plastic shopping bag to throw away.

These are just a few ideas that you might find useful while you’re on the go. Good luck!

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Fuck a girl in a car

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